Faith or Desparation?!

The human brain, I learnt back in school, is rather convoluted...much like a walnut perhaps. But from my life experiences, gathered over these 30 odd years, I believe that it is not the brain but the mind that is convoluted.

How did the human mind arrive at this state of being? Was this how the mind was meant to be? I don't know if any schools of psychology have researched on that aspect (although there is a huge possibility; I just haven't made time to read up!)Now why did I suddenly pick up this topic, you may ask. Well, the past few months now have been nothing short of redefining the word "crazy". In our craze and yearning to live a good life (or at least what we perceive as good) we do things that are shallow, selfish, unworthy of appreciation, and outrageously stupid.

There's this aunt I know who never misses even a single day in doing her morning Pooja. She does this religiously just like you and I would brush our teeth or check our phones every 15 minutes to see if we've received any message. She does this like this is her life and yet, if things go a wee off-the-course, she is the first to shake and when she shakes so does her faith in the Gods she prays to every single day! And if, in that time of "shaken and stirred" existence, should she tread across an article or news piece that speaks of miracles and the power of certain Gods, then you know where to find her in the next couple of days or months to go!

As a student of Health Psychology, back in college, I learnt that the belief system that we humans develop is very powerful. So powerful sometimes, that it gives us the strength to fight the impossibles like cancer and even death! I also learnt that one should never try and question another person's beliefs; only help them see the truth from the false. But I never could find an answer back then to What differentiates faith from blind faith or belief from blind belief?

I watched a News article this afternoon about how you can help your "dull" child gain his/her knowledge and learning ability by paying obeisance at this particular holy shrine. I smiled as I watched the entire News piece cause I knew that aunt would be watching it too. I knew she would be running a mental check of her calendar appointments to plan a quick trip to that holy place. I also knew that she, for sure, would miss the last statement they made in that News piece..."One has to have full and complete faith and belief in the God for their prayers to be fulfilled".

I smiled again to myself knowing that many others like this aunt I know, would miss that line, would conveniently forget all the other Gods they've so dilligently prayed to all these years and would wait for the earliest opportunity to make that trip to that holy place they saw on News.
I asked myself again "What differentiates faith from blind faith?" Is it a mother's unceasing love for her child and her hope that the child will turn a new leaf despite all odds against that happening? Is it a partner's enduring belief that their spouse is loyal to them even if truth stands stripped naked in front of them telling them otherwise? Is it a yearning to having something you know you'll never really have but you still want it?

Someday I hope to get that clarity...for now it still remains a question left open to the perceptions and beliefs we continue to live with!!

How time flies...

It's hard to believe how time flies by so fast. The one and only blog I posted was a few weeks before I had my first baby. She's all of three years now and my second one, my son, will be two, a few months from now. It's been a roller-coaster ride alright! I've had my highs and lows, my ups and downs, my days of madness, and those of absolute silence (not to be mistaken for nirvana or bliss!).
I can still recall that morning on 4 April 2008 when Ravi, Amma, and I walked into The Cradle in the wee hours (6:30am). I was taken to my room to get me ready for the procedure ahead. Then, when I was ready, I was wheeled to the OT and greeted by the Anesthesiologist who was getting ready to administer the epidural. Felt a little tickle in my spine and then I was laid on the table. The Ravi was allowed in...he walked in, handy cam in one hand, wearing the surgical wear he was given, and looking excited and anxious.

Dr Chitra walked in and in a few minutes, I was being worked on. I was always told a C-section is like a cutting a piece of cake - its smooth and easy and done with before you even realise. But that really wasn't what I experienced. My little doll was all snuggled up in my womb and had to be pushed out so the Anesthesiologist began to push my stomach from a point right below my chest. Those few minutes where nothing short of seeing hell...I thought my chest cavity would burst and my ribs would break...

"Scan nalli yeshtu weight bandidtu kane?" asked Dr Chitra. I squealed and replied "about 3 something kgs..." to which she replied with a "chance eh illa...yeshtu gundakke idale nodu..." and with that she held my little fuzzball in her hands and handed her over to the assistants in the OT room. At that moment, as I saw that like life, that until then, was growing comfortably within me, I was overwhelmed with a joy that cannot be defined in mere words. I couldn't wait to hold her in my arms and as soon as Dr Kishore checked her and the nurses cleaned her up, they wrapped her and placed her on my chest so I could feel my little darling...

Then came the key phases of infancy and the tracking of all first times - falling on the stomach, saying amma and appa, first social smile, first laugh, first babble, and many more of the firsts.

When Daksha turned a year and ten months, we put her in play school (Jumbo Kids). She would only utter mere words until she started play school and now, its a task to get her to stop talking. Playschool not only helped her to talk and sing "rhaimz" (that's how she pronounces it!) but also helped her get off diapers and be fully toilet-trained.

With the new found ability to talk, came more fascinating moments - Amma staap it! Shuh-thup! Shumne iru! Hogu naan maatadsala...

All these firsts were backed by flashlights and sharing of pictures through Picasa or captured on Ravi's or my phone.

Three years and a month have passed by since that day and my fuzzball has grown to a gorgeous little doll! Three more weeks to go and she'll be starting mainstream school. Can you believe it? Although I can, I choke when I realise how time flies and how soon the sands of time are slipping by...

Just this morning, she visited the Planetarium (a part of the Summer Camp package I put her on to avoid her from driving me mad). She got home all tired and when I asked her what she had seen today, she replied "Amma, naanu twinkle twinkle little star nodide! Aamele...yellow light, blue light....thumba lights nodide...!"

My little munchkins...my little star is now all set to go out there and learn and absorb more light and shine brighter! At this juncture, I'm filled with mixed emotions... joy, a sense of accomplishment, fear, anxiety, and pride...all put in one cauldron called the heart!

My little baby...I know you are too little to understand any of this that I've just expressed (or perhaps you understand it all and more!). Know that the world out there, despite all the horrible things that happen, is still beautiful and has a lifetime of learning to offer you. Go out there like a sponge and soak all the knowledge you can and be a guiding star...

Know that your amma and appa will always be there for you for as long as they live and will take care of you and be by your side always and forever more!!